The struggle is REAL

The struggle is real. My yoga mat calls for me and I just ignore her, like a piece of folded plastic in the way of my vacuum.

As a yoga instructor we teach our students to “stay with your practice” because that’s what we were taught and do as yoga instructors. I took a vacation this year to Colorado, which was fabulous. I completely intended on practicing yoga since I brought my pretty blue Manduka mat with me but never saw any mat time.  I was so engaged by cooking and socializing, sight seeing and the wildlife that I didn’t even think about doing a hand stand on the top of a snow fallen mountain or side plank near the lake.

Then before my trip even ended, shit hit the fan. At about 8:30 in the morning, I was still sleeping and my boyfriend was chopping wood (it was beautifully rustic). My mom called him with terrible news. That day we were headed to Winter Park for some shopping and a nice dinner before heading back to Denver to finish up our trip. I was awake, but still sleepy. He crawled in bed with me and held me, I thought to wake me up and get me motivated for our adventure. He said “You know I love you right?” I said yes. Then came, “You know I would never do anything to hurt you right?” I thought, hmm, where is this going… And then he started to cry. I whipped around and started asking what was wrong and are you okay and it’s really just a cluster in my mind. I know I asked him if his mother was okay and he said yes, and then I asked where was daddy and I think he said “Your daddy’s gone”. I screamed, I cried, I am sure I hit him a few times. I was the epitome of a hot mess. I was in a sea of covers, naked, sleepy and alone, with no dad anymore.

The day was a disaster. He dressed me to see our next-door family neighbors in Colorado and they helped me pack and got the house together for us to leave. They made arrangements for us to leave Colorado to North Carolina that day and I was in a total fog.

After coming to terms with daddy’s death, I still abandoned my mat. I felt that down dogs were suffocating, my balance was shot. I was a wreck. The only thing I was good at was child’s pose with my forehead on the ground because I couldn’t see anything and I could just breathe.

I went to a yoga class but had several meltdowns in the back of the room. As a teacher I have had students meltdown and you just take them as they come, offering some kind of peaceful words but in my case, nothing helped.

As if losing my dad wasn’t enough trauma, my great, patient, loving boyfriend broke up with me too. After losing my dad I clung on to whatever was tangible. Yes, I was the stage 5 clinger. I just lost my grounding, my hero, my best teacher. I grabbed on to the second best man there was, the only guy my dad ever approved of! I guess the tragedy was too much for him in many ways and he abandoned our family in our time of need. If I thought the path to the mat was slow with a death in the family, I never knew what it was like coupled with heartbreak.

I know I am not the only one that shied away from my mat during chaotic tragedy but if I knew I could just sit in the back of a yoga class and breathe, that would have been the best. Many times I tried to practice alone and pushed myself too hard and fell over in 3-legged-dog. Unfortunately, in order to get up, you have to fall. They work together in this symbiotic way. Do whatever you can do to maintain loyalty to your mat because it’s the only steady thing that can help you in your time of need, I wish I had.

Now, 3 months later, I finally have a “good” practice under my belt. I have been diligently practicing 3 days a week and hope to be teaching again in the new year.

Tragedy hits us at different times in our life but our mats are always there for us. Even if child’s pose is the only posture that feels right, go to it. Our mats don’t judge us, they love us. They soak up our tears in times of need and if it weren’t for our practice we wouldn’t be here today. I wish someone along the time dragged me to more classes, even kicking and screaming, just so I could sit in the back of the class and breathe. Inhaling everyone else’s strength, dedication and trust for their mat. Exhaling the hurt, pain and suffering I was enduring. 

I know walking by your mat you think about practicing but something else comes up. Or you tell yourself that at 9:15 tomorrow I will show up at Power and start again. But, it’s easier to do a batch of laundry, run errands or just hit the snooze button and say forget it, I will go tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day. DO IT. Just go, even if you have to sit down, even if you fall down. Go. The more you go, the better you will feel and you will get into your rhythm again. You need mat time and there is no better place to start than today.